What we do in life is dictated by a set of rules that are imposed by our own motivations. I am convinced that the fewer motivations you have, the fewer rules you will set, and the least likely you are to be happy, but that's just my opinion.
The older I get, the more variety I find in the lifestyle and backgrounds of the people I associate with. It's not that I am particularly well traveled, I've lived in the same, two traffic light, town of five-thousand-something people for ten years now. Nor is it because of a social life out mingling in bars, where one would expect to find all manner of people from all walks of life. On the contrary, the eclectic mix of miscreants to moderately influential people I've come to know (and know well), are from largely one source, my work, whether as a coworker or "community stakeholder" as administration likes to refer to people outside of the agency.
As is true of many working parents, there are coworkers and associates that I spend likely equal, if not more time with, than my own children. As such, I've had more than a few conversations with people who can't fathom, at 32, having three kids. Others who can say "When I was your age, my youngest was in sixth grade." I have dear friends who have practically given-up the idea of finding their significant other altogether, some who are firmly embracing life with their soulmate, sans kids, and my favorite category, "Head over heals for whoever I'm with and can't figure out why they don't stick around."
I think I have single friends who think I'm crazy for taking my three kids on a road trip, old married friends who have forgot about how hard it was to get their little kids ready to travel (and think less of me for not doing more), and others who look over and say, "Man, I get it, don't worry. Next year will be much easier." Then there is my wife, I think she worries that I miss the freedom of bachelordom, the bands, the parties, and will at any moment bolt for a shackle free life.
Let's be really clear. The shackle free life ain't a thing, at least it wasn't for me. As a single guy I was a slave to my toys. No, scratch that, I was a slave to my every LAST whim. Maybe not my whim right now, but the whim when last I had a buck, or just enough credit to get me in trouble. I was totally enslaved to paying for THAT, the last thing I wanted. Big new truck, dinner out, a new cigar sampler on top of the monthly cigar boxes I was already getting, breakfast out, new clothes (why do laundry when you can buy more?), coffees, lunch out, gas for the crazy drives that had no destination, musical instruments, and things I bought to impress people, people that I really wasn't all that fond of in the first place. I was addicted to work, which was convenient, because my second addiction was doing whatever I wanted to validate me and make me feel good now. I was trying to fill a bottomless pit with money, and when my paycheck didn't cover it, the bank was right there to enable my me-hungry search for "I'm more important than everyone else."
If I have learned anything it's that rules not only make me better, they make me a freer man. I was horrible at setting limits myself, something my friends either loved about me, or eventually stopped talking to me over. I could never set a goal I could reach, because I could never define a path to get there. It was either wide-open, full throttle try "everything but restraint" or utter failure and depression, there was no in-between. Dating, marriage, and later parenthood taught me the discipline I need to be a somewhat functioning adult because they gave me priorities outside of myself.
I get to watch some pretty great people, from every background do amazing things in this town and the lives of others all the time. What they have in common isn't marital status or number of children, it's not living for themselves. I'm not saying they aren't ever a priority in their own day, that's maddening. and I'm not saying that the only way they are happy or content is because they do, or don't have a family. I am saying that they have a purpose, outside of feeding their own "Me-Monster" that motivates them to be a better person than they were yesterday. Our motivations become our rules, my life had no direction until I discovered the freedom in rules. Setting limits on my right now, helped me see a tomorrow that can be reached because I can see how to get there. And after I had these lessons beat into me, I took the Proverbs challenge. For each calendar day in the month read the corresponding chapter in the book Proverbs from the Old Testament in the Bible. It's three minutes a day that can make your today, better than yesterday, I promise.
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