We've all used or heard the phrase "On the back burner" but have we been using it wrong all this time?
When I have heard other people say "on the back burner" it's usually to say that whatever that thing is, it's dismissible, not as important as other things, or that thing that keeps nagging them that they can't bring themselves to take care of. No doubt, I have used the phrase the same way myself.
As a hobbyist cook, and wannabe foodie, I love being in the kitchen, and don't do many one pot wonder kinda meals. When I do have a Saturday, I may do a one pot meal, but you can bet I'm cooking other things that day. I've come to love my back burners.
I love my back burners so much, because that is where I will likely be putting things that take all day. Often whatever I put on my back burner was probably why I started cooking in the first place that day. Allow me to explain. There are a number of meals I like to cook for my family, because what I make from the leftovers are my favorite meals, two examples of that are; roast chicken, and ham. I love these meals because the soups I'm gonna make with the leftovers are the purest versions of comfort food that are addictively satisfying, and they save money. In either case, when I have my ingredients started for soup, the foundation for me, is my broth. I don't care how right you think the rest of your ingredients are, if your broth isn't right then you're serving meat and noodles (or whatever you're dishing out) in hot water, you have no depth of flavor and the soup falls flat. A good broth generally takes a while, but also requires minimal attention, but just because it requires minimal attention, doesn't mean it's not as important. For me, it's the most important, it's the thing I'm thinking about while I'm doing everything else. The back burner isn't where I put things just so I can walk away from them and do something more important. The back burner is a space designated, in my kitchen, for something I'm gonna spend all day adding bits of love to. I'm gonna nurture it, and nurse it along till the things on the front burners (or off the cutting board) are ready to be added to it, either to compliment, or complete the dish.
The back burner is not for procrastination or laziness, in the kitchen both of those things spell nasty food. The back burner is for your most planful dish, a place purposed for keeping something until just the right moment, the product of which will demonstrate the mastery of your craft.
So now I ask myself if I am putting something off because I don't want to do it, or because it's not the right time. If I don't want to do it, I have learned to do that thing first, saving my back burner for things I love, things I think about, things that motivate me, and need to be done right.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Sunday, September 18, 2016
When we disagree
We do NOT agree. Shocker, I know, but I thought I would just clearly state early on, that you the reader and I, do not see eye to eye on something, and guess what? I love that about us.
Some of you may be thinking, "Where did this come from, of course we don't always agree." There are others reading this who know EXACTLY what we disagree on and think this is directed at you. Well, it's not, but kinda, if you're reading something I write, whatever it is, that thing is written for you to read, think about, and react to, that's why I published it.
I believe that our society, communities, teams we work together with, and families need to be able to disagree, and do it well. All these things need people with opposing opinions, calmly stating our view or opinion, and also calmly listening and validating the view or opinion of the other person. It is in this calm discourse, where we can compromise, concede points, and generally better the other person and ourselves as we discover what we have incommon and are passionate about, as we respectfully disagree. Validating is not the same as agreeing, validating is listening to the other person, and empathizing with their position. Disagreeing is not synonymous with arguing.
Okay maybe this is semantics, but for the sake of this discussion arguing is throwing your opinions, view points, and facts at the other person without taking time to listen, and dismissing the other person as less intelligent, or less informed, maybe even as ignorant. I think that claiming someone is ignorant, or insinuating (maybe blatantly saying) that someone isn't as informed as you, brings a great deal of insult to the discussion, and hurts your point because you have now done a great deal of assuming about the other person, admittedly I am guilty of this. Debating or discussing a disagreement is when you take time to listen.
Too often we listen to respond, and don't listen to understand. I value your opposing view, because I value you, and because if it's a topic I care enough about to comment on, I want to hear and know both sides. Post your opinion on a public forum, and the public will comment on their opinion of that same topic, if you only want to hear opinions that agree with yours, post to a private group that agrees on that topic, or don't post it. But here is what will never happen on a social media post: people of two opposing views randomly agreeing because one party is better at arguing than the other. Relationships will be hurt, the argument will end, but people will not magically agree. You can respond with brilliant charts, statistics, maybe even site an authority that agrees with you, do that with tones of sarcasm, and hints at your own arrogance as you comment, and reply and you have probably done more to alienate and offend than convince. I need to work on this. I don't write on this to teach you to do it like me, but in hopes that I will take my own medicine and grow closer to those I disagree with. If we do disagree on topics, and we've both published thoughts or comments on it, know that I still like and respect you, a disagreement doesn't mean we can't be friends.
Let's agree to do these things as we continue to interact:
1) Stop generalizing and making blanket statements. We will talk about specifics, we will stop sayings "always, never, every".
2) Not site anecdotal evidence when contradicting someone's properly sited data.
3) Avoid giving statistics without siting a source.
4) Not be dismissive of opposing views.
5) Avoid sarcasm to make points.
6) Percieve contrary views as a personal attack.
7) Listen to understand the other's perspective.
8) Think about a rational response, regardless of how emotional and personal the topic may be.
9) Acknowledge how emotional and personal the topic may be to the other person.
10) Be forgiving of the other person as they forget or violate these rules, and move on knowing that the disagreement is an opportunity for mutual growth, remembering to show respect above all.
Again, I'm not saying these things because I've got it down, to the contrary, I'm challenging myself to grow all the time, will you take the challenge with me?
Some of you may be thinking, "Where did this come from, of course we don't always agree." There are others reading this who know EXACTLY what we disagree on and think this is directed at you. Well, it's not, but kinda, if you're reading something I write, whatever it is, that thing is written for you to read, think about, and react to, that's why I published it.
I believe that our society, communities, teams we work together with, and families need to be able to disagree, and do it well. All these things need people with opposing opinions, calmly stating our view or opinion, and also calmly listening and validating the view or opinion of the other person. It is in this calm discourse, where we can compromise, concede points, and generally better the other person and ourselves as we discover what we have incommon and are passionate about, as we respectfully disagree. Validating is not the same as agreeing, validating is listening to the other person, and empathizing with their position. Disagreeing is not synonymous with arguing.
Okay maybe this is semantics, but for the sake of this discussion arguing is throwing your opinions, view points, and facts at the other person without taking time to listen, and dismissing the other person as less intelligent, or less informed, maybe even as ignorant. I think that claiming someone is ignorant, or insinuating (maybe blatantly saying) that someone isn't as informed as you, brings a great deal of insult to the discussion, and hurts your point because you have now done a great deal of assuming about the other person, admittedly I am guilty of this. Debating or discussing a disagreement is when you take time to listen.
Too often we listen to respond, and don't listen to understand. I value your opposing view, because I value you, and because if it's a topic I care enough about to comment on, I want to hear and know both sides. Post your opinion on a public forum, and the public will comment on their opinion of that same topic, if you only want to hear opinions that agree with yours, post to a private group that agrees on that topic, or don't post it. But here is what will never happen on a social media post: people of two opposing views randomly agreeing because one party is better at arguing than the other. Relationships will be hurt, the argument will end, but people will not magically agree. You can respond with brilliant charts, statistics, maybe even site an authority that agrees with you, do that with tones of sarcasm, and hints at your own arrogance as you comment, and reply and you have probably done more to alienate and offend than convince. I need to work on this. I don't write on this to teach you to do it like me, but in hopes that I will take my own medicine and grow closer to those I disagree with. If we do disagree on topics, and we've both published thoughts or comments on it, know that I still like and respect you, a disagreement doesn't mean we can't be friends.
Let's agree to do these things as we continue to interact:
1) Stop generalizing and making blanket statements. We will talk about specifics, we will stop sayings "always, never, every".
2) Not site anecdotal evidence when contradicting someone's properly sited data.
3) Avoid giving statistics without siting a source.
4) Not be dismissive of opposing views.
5) Avoid sarcasm to make points.
6) Percieve contrary views as a personal attack.
7) Listen to understand the other's perspective.
8) Think about a rational response, regardless of how emotional and personal the topic may be.
9) Acknowledge how emotional and personal the topic may be to the other person.
10) Be forgiving of the other person as they forget or violate these rules, and move on knowing that the disagreement is an opportunity for mutual growth, remembering to show respect above all.
Again, I'm not saying these things because I've got it down, to the contrary, I'm challenging myself to grow all the time, will you take the challenge with me?
Friday, September 16, 2016
Favorite Toy Friday
My bedroom this morning was very dark, the pillows and blankets were
all in the perfect places to completely discourage movement and
attempting to wake me more than I was. My alarm clock on my phone had
sounded twice, indicating that I was going to have another rushed
morning, but that was not enough motivation to move me from my cocoon of
resting bliss. Narrow beams of gold came cutting through the black,
shining narrow trails of illumination across my bedroom leading to small
cracks in the blinds about the window.
I feel a small hand reach up and start patting the bed, and then my foot, feeling around for my legs so he doesn't hurt me as he climbs into bed. Corbin is awake, and has learned that if he is quiet, he can come get a morning snuggle before school. While disrupting my morning drift, in and out of consciousness slightly, he quickly joined me in a similar state. As the time stealthily moved quicker than we could realize, my third alarm rang announcing that those who haven't moved from the pillow were about to be not only rushed, but very late. Corbin was now as difficult to motivate out of bed as I was. I need only remind him that today was "Favorite Toy Friday" and he bolted out of my bed to get ready for school so he can bring in his favorite toy.
Throughout the morning, the gentle reminder that "It's Favorite Toy Friday" was all that need be spoken to help him speak politely, quit playing with toys and eat breakfast. We listened to The Adventure's of Alice in Wonderland on Audible as we drove to school, I walked the kids in the building then onto their classrooms when half way down the hall Corbin remembered that his favorite toy was never put in his back-pack. We stopped so he could speedily, and fruitlessly check the contents of his Kylo Ren back pack, under his jacket, behind his R2-D2 lunch bag, desperately looking for a favorite toy that was never put there. And in a moment, he devised an alternative plan that involved borrowing a toy from the preschool teacher who, though in the building, didn't have students today. And then confidently walked ahead of me to his class. I was sad he forgot his toy, and was planning to go home and find it, but was also proud that he demonstrated that independence and resolve to still have a successful Favorite Toy Friday, even without his favorite toy. I'm still sad that he was so excited to bring a toy to school that he ultimately forgot, but am still surprised by his decision, his sister would have been inconsolable for at least three hours.
I would like to take some credit for teaching him to be positive in sad situations, I wish I could proudly say that he was able to so confidently move ahead in all optimism, having made a good choice because of years of pre-teaching, modeling from me and his mother, and being forced to live with the consequences, good or bad, of his actions. I would like to be the dad who can say, "Look what I taught him", but I can't. Don't get me wrong, we have had those conversations, we have made him live with the consequences of his actions. but on this morning I was totally prepared to run home and find the toy he was so elated to show his peers, and enable his forgetfulness and impulsiveness further. Today, my son showed me that he is capable, that he can create a new plan, and lead. Today, my son showed me his character. He may still end up standing on a table while the teacher is giving a lesson today, he will likely spill some food or chocolate drink over him and possibly whoever is unfortunate enough to be near him when it happens, but he showed me today, a measure of responsibility and leadership that I wasn't expecting to see from my 5 year old and I'm the happiest dad in town.
I feel a small hand reach up and start patting the bed, and then my foot, feeling around for my legs so he doesn't hurt me as he climbs into bed. Corbin is awake, and has learned that if he is quiet, he can come get a morning snuggle before school. While disrupting my morning drift, in and out of consciousness slightly, he quickly joined me in a similar state. As the time stealthily moved quicker than we could realize, my third alarm rang announcing that those who haven't moved from the pillow were about to be not only rushed, but very late. Corbin was now as difficult to motivate out of bed as I was. I need only remind him that today was "Favorite Toy Friday" and he bolted out of my bed to get ready for school so he can bring in his favorite toy.
Throughout the morning, the gentle reminder that "It's Favorite Toy Friday" was all that need be spoken to help him speak politely, quit playing with toys and eat breakfast. We listened to The Adventure's of Alice in Wonderland on Audible as we drove to school, I walked the kids in the building then onto their classrooms when half way down the hall Corbin remembered that his favorite toy was never put in his back-pack. We stopped so he could speedily, and fruitlessly check the contents of his Kylo Ren back pack, under his jacket, behind his R2-D2 lunch bag, desperately looking for a favorite toy that was never put there. And in a moment, he devised an alternative plan that involved borrowing a toy from the preschool teacher who, though in the building, didn't have students today. And then confidently walked ahead of me to his class. I was sad he forgot his toy, and was planning to go home and find it, but was also proud that he demonstrated that independence and resolve to still have a successful Favorite Toy Friday, even without his favorite toy. I'm still sad that he was so excited to bring a toy to school that he ultimately forgot, but am still surprised by his decision, his sister would have been inconsolable for at least three hours.
I would like to take some credit for teaching him to be positive in sad situations, I wish I could proudly say that he was able to so confidently move ahead in all optimism, having made a good choice because of years of pre-teaching, modeling from me and his mother, and being forced to live with the consequences, good or bad, of his actions. I would like to be the dad who can say, "Look what I taught him", but I can't. Don't get me wrong, we have had those conversations, we have made him live with the consequences of his actions. but on this morning I was totally prepared to run home and find the toy he was so elated to show his peers, and enable his forgetfulness and impulsiveness further. Today, my son showed me that he is capable, that he can create a new plan, and lead. Today, my son showed me his character. He may still end up standing on a table while the teacher is giving a lesson today, he will likely spill some food or chocolate drink over him and possibly whoever is unfortunate enough to be near him when it happens, but he showed me today, a measure of responsibility and leadership that I wasn't expecting to see from my 5 year old and I'm the happiest dad in town.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Getting the most out of blah blah blah something inspirational
What we do in life is dictated by a set of rules that are imposed by our own motivations. I am convinced that the fewer motivations you have, the fewer rules you will set, and the least likely you are to be happy, but that's just my opinion.
The older I get, the more variety I find in the lifestyle and backgrounds of the people I associate with. It's not that I am particularly well traveled, I've lived in the same, two traffic light, town of five-thousand-something people for ten years now. Nor is it because of a social life out mingling in bars, where one would expect to find all manner of people from all walks of life. On the contrary, the eclectic mix of miscreants to moderately influential people I've come to know (and know well), are from largely one source, my work, whether as a coworker or "community stakeholder" as administration likes to refer to people outside of the agency.
As is true of many working parents, there are coworkers and associates that I spend likely equal, if not more time with, than my own children. As such, I've had more than a few conversations with people who can't fathom, at 32, having three kids. Others who can say "When I was your age, my youngest was in sixth grade." I have dear friends who have practically given-up the idea of finding their significant other altogether, some who are firmly embracing life with their soulmate, sans kids, and my favorite category, "Head over heals for whoever I'm with and can't figure out why they don't stick around."
I think I have single friends who think I'm crazy for taking my three kids on a road trip, old married friends who have forgot about how hard it was to get their little kids ready to travel (and think less of me for not doing more), and others who look over and say, "Man, I get it, don't worry. Next year will be much easier." Then there is my wife, I think she worries that I miss the freedom of bachelordom, the bands, the parties, and will at any moment bolt for a shackle free life.
Let's be really clear. The shackle free life ain't a thing, at least it wasn't for me. As a single guy I was a slave to my toys. No, scratch that, I was a slave to my every LAST whim. Maybe not my whim right now, but the whim when last I had a buck, or just enough credit to get me in trouble. I was totally enslaved to paying for THAT, the last thing I wanted. Big new truck, dinner out, a new cigar sampler on top of the monthly cigar boxes I was already getting, breakfast out, new clothes (why do laundry when you can buy more?), coffees, lunch out, gas for the crazy drives that had no destination, musical instruments, and things I bought to impress people, people that I really wasn't all that fond of in the first place. I was addicted to work, which was convenient, because my second addiction was doing whatever I wanted to validate me and make me feel good now. I was trying to fill a bottomless pit with money, and when my paycheck didn't cover it, the bank was right there to enable my me-hungry search for "I'm more important than everyone else."
If I have learned anything it's that rules not only make me better, they make me a freer man. I was horrible at setting limits myself, something my friends either loved about me, or eventually stopped talking to me over. I could never set a goal I could reach, because I could never define a path to get there. It was either wide-open, full throttle try "everything but restraint" or utter failure and depression, there was no in-between. Dating, marriage, and later parenthood taught me the discipline I need to be a somewhat functioning adult because they gave me priorities outside of myself.
I get to watch some pretty great people, from every background do amazing things in this town and the lives of others all the time. What they have in common isn't marital status or number of children, it's not living for themselves. I'm not saying they aren't ever a priority in their own day, that's maddening. and I'm not saying that the only way they are happy or content is because they do, or don't have a family. I am saying that they have a purpose, outside of feeding their own "Me-Monster" that motivates them to be a better person than they were yesterday. Our motivations become our rules, my life had no direction until I discovered the freedom in rules. Setting limits on my right now, helped me see a tomorrow that can be reached because I can see how to get there. And after I had these lessons beat into me, I took the Proverbs challenge. For each calendar day in the month read the corresponding chapter in the book Proverbs from the Old Testament in the Bible. It's three minutes a day that can make your today, better than yesterday, I promise.
The older I get, the more variety I find in the lifestyle and backgrounds of the people I associate with. It's not that I am particularly well traveled, I've lived in the same, two traffic light, town of five-thousand-something people for ten years now. Nor is it because of a social life out mingling in bars, where one would expect to find all manner of people from all walks of life. On the contrary, the eclectic mix of miscreants to moderately influential people I've come to know (and know well), are from largely one source, my work, whether as a coworker or "community stakeholder" as administration likes to refer to people outside of the agency.
As is true of many working parents, there are coworkers and associates that I spend likely equal, if not more time with, than my own children. As such, I've had more than a few conversations with people who can't fathom, at 32, having three kids. Others who can say "When I was your age, my youngest was in sixth grade." I have dear friends who have practically given-up the idea of finding their significant other altogether, some who are firmly embracing life with their soulmate, sans kids, and my favorite category, "Head over heals for whoever I'm with and can't figure out why they don't stick around."
I think I have single friends who think I'm crazy for taking my three kids on a road trip, old married friends who have forgot about how hard it was to get their little kids ready to travel (and think less of me for not doing more), and others who look over and say, "Man, I get it, don't worry. Next year will be much easier." Then there is my wife, I think she worries that I miss the freedom of bachelordom, the bands, the parties, and will at any moment bolt for a shackle free life.
Let's be really clear. The shackle free life ain't a thing, at least it wasn't for me. As a single guy I was a slave to my toys. No, scratch that, I was a slave to my every LAST whim. Maybe not my whim right now, but the whim when last I had a buck, or just enough credit to get me in trouble. I was totally enslaved to paying for THAT, the last thing I wanted. Big new truck, dinner out, a new cigar sampler on top of the monthly cigar boxes I was already getting, breakfast out, new clothes (why do laundry when you can buy more?), coffees, lunch out, gas for the crazy drives that had no destination, musical instruments, and things I bought to impress people, people that I really wasn't all that fond of in the first place. I was addicted to work, which was convenient, because my second addiction was doing whatever I wanted to validate me and make me feel good now. I was trying to fill a bottomless pit with money, and when my paycheck didn't cover it, the bank was right there to enable my me-hungry search for "I'm more important than everyone else."
If I have learned anything it's that rules not only make me better, they make me a freer man. I was horrible at setting limits myself, something my friends either loved about me, or eventually stopped talking to me over. I could never set a goal I could reach, because I could never define a path to get there. It was either wide-open, full throttle try "everything but restraint" or utter failure and depression, there was no in-between. Dating, marriage, and later parenthood taught me the discipline I need to be a somewhat functioning adult because they gave me priorities outside of myself.
I get to watch some pretty great people, from every background do amazing things in this town and the lives of others all the time. What they have in common isn't marital status or number of children, it's not living for themselves. I'm not saying they aren't ever a priority in their own day, that's maddening. and I'm not saying that the only way they are happy or content is because they do, or don't have a family. I am saying that they have a purpose, outside of feeding their own "Me-Monster" that motivates them to be a better person than they were yesterday. Our motivations become our rules, my life had no direction until I discovered the freedom in rules. Setting limits on my right now, helped me see a tomorrow that can be reached because I can see how to get there. And after I had these lessons beat into me, I took the Proverbs challenge. For each calendar day in the month read the corresponding chapter in the book Proverbs from the Old Testament in the Bible. It's three minutes a day that can make your today, better than yesterday, I promise.
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