We do NOT agree. Shocker, I know, but I thought I would just clearly state early on, that you the reader and I, do not see eye to eye on something, and guess what? I love that about us.
Some of you may be thinking, "Where did this come from, of course we don't always agree." There are others reading this who know EXACTLY what we disagree on and think this is directed at you. Well, it's not, but kinda, if you're reading something I write, whatever it is, that thing is written for you to read, think about, and react to, that's why I published it.
I believe that our society, communities, teams we work together with, and families need to be able to disagree, and do it well. All these things need people with opposing opinions, calmly stating our view or opinion, and also calmly listening and validating the view or opinion of the other person. It is in this calm discourse, where we can compromise, concede points, and generally better the other person and ourselves as we discover what we have incommon and are passionate about, as we respectfully disagree. Validating is not the same as agreeing, validating is listening to the other person, and empathizing with their position. Disagreeing is not synonymous with arguing.
Okay maybe this is semantics, but for the sake of this discussion arguing is throwing your opinions, view points, and facts at the other person without taking time to listen, and dismissing the other person as less intelligent, or less informed, maybe even as ignorant. I think that claiming someone is ignorant, or insinuating (maybe blatantly saying) that someone isn't as informed as you, brings a great deal of insult to the discussion, and hurts your point because you have now done a great deal of assuming about the other person, admittedly I am guilty of this. Debating or discussing a disagreement is when you take time to listen.
Too often we listen to respond, and don't listen to understand. I value your opposing view, because I value you, and because if it's a topic I care enough about to comment on, I want to hear and know both sides. Post your opinion on a public forum, and the public will comment on their opinion of that same topic, if you only want to hear opinions that agree with yours, post to a private group that agrees on that topic, or don't post it. But here is what will never happen on a social media post: people of two opposing views randomly agreeing because one party is better at arguing than the other. Relationships will be hurt, the argument will end, but people will not magically agree. You can respond with brilliant charts, statistics, maybe even site an authority that agrees with you, do that with tones of sarcasm, and hints at your own arrogance as you comment, and reply and you have probably done more to alienate and offend than convince. I need to work on this. I don't write on this to teach you to do it like me, but in hopes that I will take my own medicine and grow closer to those I disagree with. If we do disagree on topics, and we've both published thoughts or comments on it, know that I still like and respect you, a disagreement doesn't mean we can't be friends.
Let's agree to do these things as we continue to interact:
1) Stop generalizing and making blanket statements. We will talk about specifics, we will stop sayings "always, never, every".
2) Not site anecdotal evidence when contradicting someone's properly sited data.
3) Avoid giving statistics without siting a source.
4) Not be dismissive of opposing views.
5) Avoid sarcasm to make points.
6) Percieve contrary views as a personal attack.
7) Listen to understand the other's perspective.
8) Think about a rational response, regardless of how emotional and personal the topic may be.
9) Acknowledge how emotional and personal the topic may be to the other person.
10) Be forgiving of the other person as they forget or violate these rules, and move on knowing that the disagreement is an opportunity for mutual growth, remembering to show respect above all.
Again, I'm not saying these things because I've got it down, to the contrary, I'm challenging myself to grow all the time, will you take the challenge with me?
Well stated. I do, however, feel that a lot of the time the reason someone argues is because they are ignorant. Now, I do not mean ignorant in the sense that they are inferior in intellect but that they are ignorant in the true sense of the word: They do not understand fully what they are talking about. We can go a long way toward having healthy disagreements if we would just realize that we do not know everything about everything and that there are things we can learn from other people. Yes, even those with differing opinions.
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